Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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