If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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