I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
