Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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