I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
