Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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