Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Someone signed my nipple.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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