Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
