No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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