I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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