Small penises have feelings too.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
