the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
