u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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