I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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