My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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