he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
