I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
