So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
