Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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