shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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