you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hippo gnu deer
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
