There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
