What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
