I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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