just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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