Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
