walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
