My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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