Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
