woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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