..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
