Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
