you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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