weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
tell me about the eggs
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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