I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
