my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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