Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
