Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
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We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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