I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this beer tastes like vomit already
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
