I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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