she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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