did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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