ugly people sure do ruin things
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
