why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
