yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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