How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
