i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
