Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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