we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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