3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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