Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
