After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
