that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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