You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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