How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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