alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
