I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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