I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Where is the hickey?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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