I have demons in me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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