Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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