I wish I could teleport
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
