New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
